Most hunger is actually thirst. Most anger is actually fear. And most of the destructive things we do are just clumsy attempts to deal with fear and unmet needs we never properly named. Get under the surface of almost any blowup, and you will usually find something frightened and unmet hiding down there.
You're Not You When You're Hungry
I love the old Snickers campaign, the one where you are not you when you are hungry, with words like grouchy and grumpy printed right on the wrapper. It works because it is true. When you do not have what you need, you get unpleasant, and you rarely connect the mood to the missing need. The trouble is, after twenty years of doing this work, I have found that a huge number of people cannot even identify what their actual needs are. They have complaints, plenty of them, but the complaint is rarely the real missing piece.
I met with a couple recently. The wife was alarmed that her husband followed attractive women from his gym on social media. As we talked, it became clear that was not really the problem at all. The real problem was that she did not feel special. She did not feel like a priority in his life. The social media thing was just the splinter she could point at. The wound was underneath it.
Name It, Then Learn to Say It
But most people, unless they have grown into real awareness and communication, do not say that. They nitpick instead. One launches an accusation, the other gets defensive, and the actual need never makes it onto the table, so understanding never has a chance to happen. Everybody is barking up the wrong tree, loudly, for years.
And identifying the need is only half of it. You also have to be able to articulate it, to be vulnerable enough to say what is really going on with you and why things are not okay. That is hard for most people without help. This is exactly what I do well, coaching people through first identifying their real needs and then learning to express them out loud. If that is something you struggle with, reach out. I have spent two decades helping individuals, couples, and families all over the world do this very thing.