I always recommend that people play the sad music when they’re sad, and the angry stuff when they’re pissed off because so often feelings are intense and we try to avoid their impact. Are you avoiding the dark stuff? The stuff that makes you distracted at work. That’s bullshit and it won’t work in the long run, my friend.

Some people feel it instead, and it works exceptionally well.

Don’t be afraid to feel what’s in there: fear, worry, sadness, loneliness. Because it will actually allow you to consciously dissipate it.

Music is just one awesome way to caramelize all that beautiful healing.

It feels SO good to be validated. Music can do that, for every kind of feeling, and in a way that YOU control. You’re not having to wait for the magic persona to give you that. You’re just an old (or new) playlist away. Whatever you’re harboring in your dungeon of despair, there’s an escape hatch with some weirdo band’s name on the door.

Every heard of J Roddy Walston and the Business? Volbeat? Explosions in the Sky? Bears Den? Kings of Leon? I’ll share some of my stuff this next week on my Facebook page where they let you link songs like grown-up social media should.

And the good news is that music bonds people. Music can heal your relationship, or at least get you back in a space of emotional exposure and set the mood for attachment which builds intimacy. It is probably already part of your story, but maybe an abandoned method of connection to self, to feelings, even to your person.

My office is a 45 second drive from my office so its never even worth turning something on. I suppose in my newest ambition, I will have more time now as I take the 15 minutes to walk to work in 2019. That’s like 4 jams. There and back.

Music bonds people. If you feel as deserted as the picture above, and you *happen to share emotional taste in music with someone cool, it can quickly become intimate, whether it’s your homies or homegirls or the person AT home. Sensory disconnection precedes almost any separation. In 90% of the cases, I’d say, anyway. Music is a sensory bonding agent stronger than fiberglass resin.

Turn on your jams. The ones you both feel.

So people that are hurting, particularly those hurting from empty love relationships, often fill the sensory voids with stuff like food, drugs and alcohol, porn, and all kinds of bad shit. Music on the other hand, is a healthy way to simultaneously numb and heighten all that intensity. And it freaking heals you.

What are you listening to? Since Instagram can’t catch up to 2018/19 and allow links, just post the song name and artist. I need some new stuff. Share it with me here and I’ll post some stuff on my FB page this week that is healing me by letting me feel what’s deep down in there these days.

(I realize I am a terrible writer. I need an editor if you know someone.)

The T-Word: How NOT to be a typical man

• They are selfish.
• They are irresponsible.
• They are undisciplined.
• They are hedonistic.
• They are aggressively immature.

1. Have an opinion. I can always tell how mentally lazy a man is by the amount of “I don’t know’s” he uses in conversation with me. To me that is simply a shutting down of effort and a refusal to engage. Yes, decisions take brain power, and that is difficult, metabolically. It takes calories to think and we men have perhaps evolved too far when it comes to preserving caloric resources and avoid having an opinion or making a decision. Know what you want for dinner. Know what your dreams and goals are. Know what you want to do this weekend. If you don’t know, simply say, “give me a minute, I need to think about that one” and sort out your thoughts.
2. Use your voice, assertively. In working with men for a month-shy of two decades, I have discovered that most angry episodes are sparked only after a long period of previously-unspoken passivity. Go into an anger management class and you will find a room full of “nice” guys who lost their cool after too much passive avoidance of communication. Speak your mind. Tell the truth.
3. Do it yourself. Don’t let someone serve you. I don’t mean when there’s been a death in your family and people bring scalloped potatoes. I mean when you’re in the recliner and you ask for someone to bring you a beverage. Some people’s “love language” is acts of service and they feel very loved when people DO things for them. But far too many men have become so dependent on people waiting on them that they have come to expect service and never return the favor. A few years ago my friends step-mother died and one of his father’s first remarks was “who is going to fix my dinner?” I was shocked. Do it yourself, bro. Get out of the habit of asking, especially if you do it all the time.
4. Be consistently reliable. We can’t just say here to “be consistent” because for too many men, consistent means you consistently suck. You are consistently UNreliable. Do what you said you were going to do, or stop saying you’re going to do it. The worst example of this and the ugliest form of unreliability in the world is the divorced father who promises he will be there to pick up the kids and never comes. Don’t be a flake, man. Do what you said you were going to do. Sometimes things get in the way. Sometimes your job, your vehicle, your new wife, your stomach flu, and your headache WILL get in the way. Even if you claim a 20% error rate…be 80% consistent. Eighty percent of the time, follow through and be there. Show up.
5. Find ways to selflessly serve. We are naturally lovers of ourselves; maybe all human beings, but particularly men. Here’s how you fix that. Feed the homeless. Visit with your widow neighbor who NEVER knows when to stop talking. Volunteer for two hours once a month at the animal rescue. You have to exercise the selfless muscle or you will be ripped with ego, and alone.
6. Over-communicate. There is a professional here in Vegas that I have had to work with a few times and I just can’t stand the guy. He has personally insulted me, caused major upheaval in some of my plans, and is generally a total douche bag. But about 2 years ago I had reason to coordinate some client care with him. I was stunned by the positive way he communicated with me. It was like he had just attended a customer service seminar recently and was being observed by headset by the owner of the company. Here is what he did: He answered the phone and I shared the need for this client. He told me he was going to transfer me to so-and-so and that explained what their role was, and right before transferring said “ok, i will transfer you now.” It was SO helpful to know what he was doing to handle this call. He told me what he was ABOUT to do and it really changed some of my opinions of this guy. He over-communicated. I knew exactly what to expect. I would say that men need to channel their inner flight attendant when it comes to communication. Tell them what you’re about to do. Ask what they need from you. Before delivering it, be sure you have it right. They even do that at Taco Bell and Jack in the Box.
7. Be disciplined. So much our bullying comes from feelings of inadequacy in ourselves. We pick on fat people most when we, ourselves, are so undisciplined. We complain about others’ lacking when we are hiding from our own guilt and shame about what we aren’t doing so well. I remember at one of my heaviest times I was having a meal with a group of people, and one of them was a police officer. I asked if he was finished eating and if he wanted or needed more food and he said “I’ve had enough food.” I was so impressed because I probably had already “had enough food,” myself, but I’m sure I continued eating. This man has maintained a health body and didn’t fall into the kinds of destructive indulgences I did, and I think that is all about his discipline and my lack of such. Perhaps our toxic tendency to control others in unhealthy ways stems from our inability to control our own appetites and habits.
8. Act your age. Many times, I have told the overly-serious man that he needs to get in touch with his “inner Jack Black.” Sometimes we need to be silly and let loose. I write about this in my upcoming book, but here, I want to address the need to understand appropriate behavior. Sometimes we need to be goofy and have some fun. But I think the “typical” man overdoes this and can’t really be on the same vibe of the given experience. Grow up, bro. Your “that’s what she said” jokes stopped being funny 40 minutes ago.

out to surge into an area that will likely gain me some haters. Good. Bring it.

I’m not talking about a new area of discussion just in this article; I’m talking about in my whole life. In my career.

I want to talk about men, and what’s wrong with men, and what’s right with men, and what the people who love them need to know.

I am frequently encountering two common characteristics in the clients I see in my counseling and coaching practice. I’ll describe these in my two “typical” clients.

1. The first is a woman who is fed up with the failures of her man.
2. The second is a man who is feeling powerless.

I hear the partners of these failing men use the derogatory description that he is being “a typical man.”

So, what is a typical man and how does he become that way?

I’d say that the following describes what people see as the awful and “typical” man:

• Selfishness, taking advantage of others, buying toys for himself and “forgetting” gifts for others
• Dishonest, often deceptive
• Trying to get out of responsibilities, making excuses
• Disloyal, maybe cheating
• Childish, goofy and never serious

Maybe there are other characteristics, but that is not my purpose here. I want to talk about the accidental contributors to these kinds of things and how to know men more fully and how to prevent the external perpetuation of these kinds of behaviors and attitudes.

1. Begin with a Lack of Trust. Assume he is lying and scour through everything he has ever owned for any slightest cue that he ever had feelings for other people. Go through his middle-school yearbooks even, to see who signed it and then become a private investigator into the social media of all the girls whose yearbook picture he highlighted, confront him about that, and question him like he is the Taliban and your next step is waterboarding. That will teach him to be SUPER secretive and sneaky.
2. Tell Him All of the Things You Don’t Like About Him. That will be sure to inspire his decline into typical behavior. Tell him he is selfish. Instead of telling him he’s your “big strong man,” tell him he is a piece of $#!+. Disrespect him verbally. That’ll help him become the typical man in no time.
3. Assault His Problem Solving. Assume he doesn’t know how to do things. Ask your dad for help with your car, first. Tell him you need to call a plumber instead of trying to see if he can fixed the clogged toilet. That will make him feel that you value the abilities of other men before him. Total buzz kill. He wants to be your hero.
4. Watch His Eyes in Public and Attack Him for Seeing Attractive People. Let your own insecurities about your looks be projected onto him in an angry attack. And be sure to only notice him looking at hot girls, and fail to notice that he also looks at men, old people, fat people, and everyone else. We are visual creatures and wired for protectiveness. When we are in public, we are scanning everything. But if your tension rises every time an attractive woman (or man) walks by, and you quickly notice him simply “seeing” another woman, you are probably failing to see him also look the unattractive person up and down as well. He is looking for information. And while men are visually stimulated in a sexual sense far more deeply than women, don’t go assuming that he is being shady and ridiculously over-sexual in public.
5.  Assume the Worst. Without knowing what is actually going on, assume that he has made a mistake before there is ever any indicator of that. Pretend you’re a fortune teller and that you can read his mind. Tell him what he is feeling. Tell him what his motivations were.
6.  Never Acknowledge Your Own Faults. Blame everything on him. If he gives you feedback, turn it around on him. Bring up his past. Throw the irrelevant things from YEARS ago at him to defend against your glaring culpability. This will make sure he never feels safe talking at all.
7. Embarrass Him in Public. Cause a scene, leave him places, or be so coldly infuriated and passive aggressive that EVERYONE knows how upset you are with him. Maybe pick a fight with his mother. This will make sure he doesn’t ever take you anywhere.
8. Expect Him to Read Your Mind. Men are naturally not extremely intuitive. It is hard for us to read between the lines. Just hold your breath, hoping he understands your needs and feelings that you don’t even tell him, and that will skate him further down the alley toward typical.
9. Stop Taking Pride in Your Appearance. Take the opposite approach he takes regarding food and exercise. Either a) let yourself go or b) become so freakishly fit that he doesn’t dare feel comfortable and is eyeing safer options in other women. Get dressed up only for OTHER people and OTHER events where he will not be. This will teach him that only other people deserve to see you looking pretty.
10. Do Things For Him That You Shouldn’t. I don’t mean the laundry if he is working all day and you are not. I mean do things for him that he takes for granted. Drive him. Pay for things for him. Let him have sex with you when you don’t want it.
11. Ridicule Him. Make fun of his football team when they lose. Tell him he is a fraud in his line of work. Criticize his efforts. Take out all of your junior high anger against the means girls who made you feel like a loser on him. That will turn him typical for sure.

Let me be clear about something. He is responsible for his own behavior. But if you have ANY kind of regular interaction with a man you see as failing, see if you are accidentally contributing to his poor choices.  You’re important to him!  You matter. And so often there is a circular causality in relationships.  You don’t like what he is doing or not doing, but he is influenced by what YOU are doing are not doing.  And the cycle continues toward dissolution.

I know this may seem to be saying that men’s behavior is perpetuated by others, removing the responsibility from the man who may already be trying to escape it. That’s not what I mean. But what if who we are and how we behave is simply a reflection of the way we believe our loved ones see us. I’ve heard 300 men say:

“She treats me like I’m cheating, I might as well be. She is beating me up verbally as if I am.”

I’ve heard 300 men say, “I try to stay as far away from her as possible, because she just stomps on me every day.”

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

If you are the person who is feeding in to this negative type of behavior in a man who is not fully being quite what he is capable of, seek help.  Get some perspective about how you can inspire healthier behavior in him.  See what small changes you might make that can lift him back to a position of confidence so he is not resorting to destructive things just to feel a sense of power and control.

If you are the man who is being an idiot–regardless of how you are being treated–get with me, brother.  I can help you.

🙂