I had a fascinating conversation this week with a woman who described how she finally learned to be assertive, especially at work. In the past, she was always hyper aware of everyone else's feelings. Even when coworkers or subordinates put her in a tough spot, she would just play nice and let it slide. And eventually she realized it simply was not working, for her or for anyone else.
Nice Guys Don't Always Do the Right Thing
What she shared was the single best idea I heard all week, because I recognized the exact same mistake in myself. I am a nice guy. But nice guys do not always do the right thing for themselves. They look out for other people more than they should, and they call it kindness when it is often just fear of conflict wearing a friendly face. For years I let things go, did not stand my ground, kept my unpopular but correct opinions to myself, and generally let people walk all over me.
I am done with that. Now, if you put me in an uncomfortable situation, I will meet it head on. I will say the hard thing. I will give the blunt feedback. And I care a lot less than I used to about how that lands for you, if you are the one who created the problem in the first place. If you pull me into something that costs me, I am no longer going to be more worried about your comfort than my own integrity. I will simply share the discomfort right back.
This Is About Boundaries, Not Becoming a Jerk
Here is the lesson, and it is not about becoming a jerk. It is about boundaries. I have to have my own back. I have to protect myself, my integrity, and my reputation, because no one else is assigned to do that for me. Sometimes that means standing in the ring and trading honest blows until things actually get resolved, instead of swallowing it and resenting people quietly for months.
Looking out for everyone but yourself is not kindness. It is self abandonment, and it teaches people exactly how to treat you. So stand up for yourself. Have your own back. Nobody else is going to do it for you, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you stop waiting for rescue and start leading.