I am alive. This new theme for me was first sparked by one of my clients and then seared into me by something I witnessed this weekend, what I believe was the death of a man at a gas station. It has me reflecting hard on my own mortality, and on the line Maximus whispers in Gladiator about death smiling at us all.
What I Saw at the Gas Station
I had just finished washing my truck on Saturday when I saw two young men wrestling a man in his fifties out of his car and onto the pavement to start CPR. They had noticed he was not breathing. His car was running and locked, so one of them kicked in the passenger window to get the doors open and pull him out of a brand new BMW. I ran over. I have been dealing with an acute stress response ever since.
Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, one of them counted out loud while the other performed compressions, frantic but skilled. Paramedics took over, worked him for ten or fifteen minutes, and carried him off in an ambulance. I never learned the outcome, but the image has haunted me for two days. His lifeless body. The color of his skin. The details of his clothing. The sound of the chest compressions. All of it has me pondering how delicate and temporary this life really is, and how little warning any of us ever get.
Flawed, Failing, and Still Trying
I am a deeply flawed and imperfect man. But I am trying, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. My hope rests in the trust I place in my Higher Power to guide me. My intentions are good, and still I fail, over and over again. So I have been taking honest inventory. My health. My relationships. My spiritual path. Whether I am on the right track in every dimension of my life, or just the easy ones.
I do not have it all figured out, and watching a stranger possibly take his last breath stripped away any pretending that I do. But for today, I am alive. And I will keep seeking the truth that sets a man free, in this life and the next. Every day is a gift that someone else did not get to open. Receive it. Do not waste the one you were handed this morning.