I run six men's groups, each with six or more men. One evening, after a quick dinner at home, I spent two hours with five young guys in one of those groups. It was only the second meeting of this particular group, and these guys were twenty to twenty-four years old. Retail workers, union shop stewards, a college student, a marketing guy, a future first responder, one about to take over a massively successful family business. They'd only known each other for about four hours total. One of them brought a cooler with really good root beer in twist-top bottles. We cracked them open in my office.
What happened in that room floored me. Not because I expected nothing, but because the depth and honesty of what they shared with each other, practically strangers, reminded me exactly why I do this work.
What They Said
They talked about breakups and anger and parental wounds and the strange feeling of entering adult life for real. There were funny stories, including one involving an accidental gay bar, some Bill Burr references, and one guy casually announcing he was going alone to Europe for weeks or months just to test himself. His dad helped fund the trip because the kid had quit smoking. That's a father getting it right.
I jotted down some of what they said to each other. These are real quotes from real twenty-something men talking to each other in a space where it was safe to be honest.
One guy to another who was struggling with anger: "I used to punch walls too. You have to realize, and tell yourself: this is just a moment. This feeling will go away."
Another, cutting through some wishful thinking in the group: "Hope is great, unless what you're hoping for is likely going to turn out bad for you."
One man to another who had been on the receiving end of a lot of other people's cruelty: "Everyone's dealing with insecurities. You've just been on the wrong end of other people's insecurity. Don't let that transfer to you."
One of them quoted Marcus Aurelius: "Paint your world the color of your thoughts."
Why Men's Groups Work
People underestimate what men will say to each other when the space is right. When there's structure, safety, and a little bit of purpose in the room, men open up. They go there. They don't need to be pushed or coaxed. They need the environment. They need other men who are also willing to go there.
These weren't therapy patients reciting their trauma histories. They were regular young men, finding their footing in adult life, being genuinely real with each other over cold root beer on a weeknight. And they were saying things to each other that most men never hear, not from their fathers, not from their friends, not from anyone.
That's what a tribe does. It reflects you back more accurately than you can see yourself alone. If you're not in a group of men who will be honest with you, I'd encourage you to find one or build one. The return on that investment is extraordinary.