Emotional reactivity often traces back to earlier trauma. Physical abuse. Sexual abuse. Devastating losses. All kinds of terrible circumstances a person never asked for and did not deserve. And some people who struggle with emotional regulation quietly expect everyone else to forgive their trespasses, given all the unfair suffering they have already been through. On its face, that is understandable. The pain is real.
The Catch Most People Miss
But here is the catch, and it is a big one. If you expect people to tolerate your worst behavior because you blame it on your past, then you had better be willing to pardon the exact same thing in them. Especially when some of their trauma was caused by you. We are quick to excuse our own poor choices by recounting what we were exposed to as kids and every injustice ever thrown at us, and then we show zero empathy the moment someone else's trauma response inconveniences our peace. That is not how it works. You do not get to claim the discount and then refuse to give it.
Extend the same forgiveness you expect. The people in your life deserve the same patience you are constantly demanding for yourself. I worked with a husband whose alcohol addiction and week long binges were devastating his marriage. He blamed his parents' abuse and abandonment, his ex wife's actions, his estranged kids. Fair enough. That is real pain, and I never dismissed it. But he was lightning fast to criticize his current wife for her anger and irritability after his relapses, never once seeing that her reactions came from her own broken story, a brokenness he had personally helped create.
The Forgiveness You Receive Is Tied to the One You Give
The sage from Nazareth taught us to pray, "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Read that line slowly, because most of us recite it without ever really hearing it. The forgiveness you receive is tied directly to the forgiveness you give. It is one transaction, not two.
Everyone has been wounded. Betrayal. Violence. Assault. Tragic loss. The whole human race is walking around carrying some version of it. So if you are going to excuse yourself when you act like an idiot because of your past, the only fair and reasonable option is to immediately forgive when others do the very same thing to you. Hurt people hurt people. That is true. But if that is your excuse, then it has to be your standard for everyone else too. You have to let them off the same hook you keep climbing off of.